Who stole all the pencils?

The teacher asks Jimmy:

Teacher: “Jimmy, why aren’t you writing?”
Jimmy: “I don’t has a pencil.”
Teacher: “Jimmy, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don’t have a pencil; he doesn’t have a pencil; we don’t have a pencil.”
Jimmy: “Who stole all the pencils then?”

Captain

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”

Clever kids

A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.

A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.

Surgeon Talk...

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

Deductive Reasoning...

Deductive reasoning is a lot simpler than many people realize. Just see if it isn't:

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife."
Neighbor 1: "Correct."
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup."
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day...
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No."
Neighbor 1: "Fag."

Mouthology

A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:

“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?

The sailor said no to all his questions.

Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.

After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?

The professor said no.

Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.

The Brahmin and the Crooks

In a village, there lived a poor Brahmin priest.He was pious, dutiful and very superstitious.

One day, the Brahmin left for a neighbouring Village to collect a gift that he had been promised from a rich landlord. Finishing his job in the neighbouring village, he was on his way back carrying his gift-a fat and healthy goat on his shoulders.

Three hungry crooks crossed his path. They saw the healthy goat on the Brahmin’s shoulders and whispered, “That is a very plump goat. Let us trick the Brahmin and take the goat away. We can then make a tasty dish out of it”

They soon made a plan. The three of them went in separate ways.

The first one stopped the Brahmin and exclaimed in horror, “Oh my god! Such a respected priest and carrying a dog on his shoulders? Don’t you know that it is a sin to touch a dog, or a rooster, or a donkey?”

The Brahmin lost his temper. “You stupid fellow, are you blind? Can’t you see it is a goat, not a dog?”

“Don’t be angry,” replied the first crook. “If you think it is not a dog, then please carry on. But isn’t it ridiculous that you are carrying a dog?”

The Brahmin hardly walked a few more yards when the second crook stopped the Brahmin and looked at him in shock.

`How can a reputed priest like you carry a dead calf on the shoulder?” exclaimed the crook.

The Brahmin yelled, “Are you blind too? This is a healthy and live goat and you say he is a dead calf. You are an ignorant fool!”

“All right, sir,” said the second crook. “Please forgive me. Do as you please.”

“What’s wrong with everyone?” wondered the furious Brahmin as he hurried towards his home. “The whole world has gone mad?”

Now it was the turn of the third crook to the Brahmin’s path. “Sir, why are you carrying a donkey on your shoulders? It is going to bring you misfortune.”

Now the Brahmin was confused. Three people have said that the goat was something else. “Have I been given a ghost that keeps changing into a dog, a dead calf or a donkey!” he wondered. “I don’t want this creature.”

“Before it turns into something else, I better get rid of it.” Confused and scared, he threw the goat to the ground and took to his heels.

Coming out of their hiding place, the crooks took the goat and laughed at the stupidity of the Brahmin. Listening to others blindly, he got duped.